Okay. This looks bad.
Take a look at this. That right there is the mail. Now, let’s talk about the mail. Can we talk about the mail, please, Mac? I’ve been dying to talk about the mail with you all day, okay. Pepe Silvia- this name keeps coming up over and over again. Everyday, Pepe’s mail keeps getting sent back to me. Pepe Silvia- Pepe Silvia. I look in the mail, this whole box is PEPE SILVIA! So I say to my…self, I’ve gotta find this guy. I’ve gotta go up to his office. I’ve gotta put the mail in his goddamn hands otherwise he’s never gonna get it. It’s gonna keep coming back down here. So, I go up to Pepe’s office and what do I find out Mac? What do I find out? There is no Pepe Silvia! The man does not exist, okay. So, I decide, ohh shit buddy, I’ve got to dig a little deeper. There’s no PEPE SILVIA! You’ve got to be kidding me, I’ve got boxes full of Pepe! Alright, so I start marching my way down to Carol in H.R. and I knock on her door and I say “CAROLL CARRROLLLLLL! I’ve gotta talk to you about Pepe!” And when I open the door, what do I find? There’s not a single goddamn desk in that office. There is no Carol in H.R. Mac, half the employees in this building have been made up. This office is a goddamn ghost town.
1. Don’t think that being published will make you happy. It will for four weeks, if you are lucky. Then it’s the same old fucking shit.
2. Hemingway was fucking wrong. You shouldn’t write drunk. (See my third novel for details.)
3. Hemingway was also right. ‘The first draft of everything is shit.’
4. Never ask a publisher or agent what they are looking for. The best ones, if they are honest, don’t have a fucking clue, because the best books are the ones that seemingly come from nowhere.
5. In five years time the semi-colon is going to be nothing more than a fucking wink.
6. In five years time every fucking person on Twitter will be a writer.
7. Ignore the fucking snobs. Write that space zombie sex opera. Just give it some fucking soul.
8. If it’s not worth fucking reading, it’s not worth fucking writing. If it doesn’t make people laugh or cry or blow their fucking minds then why bother?
9. Don’t be the next Stephen King or the next Zadie Smith or the next Neil Gaiman or the next Jonathan Safran fucking Foer. Be the next fucking you.
10. Stories are fucking easy. PLOT OF EVERY BOOK EVER: Someone is looking for something. COMMERCIAL VERSION: They find it. LITERARY VERSION: They don’t find it. (That’s fucking it.)
11. No-one knows anything. Especially fucking me. Except:
12. Don’t kill off the fucking dog.
13. Oh, yeah, and lastly: write whatever you fucking want."
– Matt Haig, “Some Fucking Writing Tips” (via alcantrez)
Shawn, 20, Seattle.